Jessica Alba’s latest Netflix venture, “Trigger Warning,” has hit our screens with all the grace of a stumbling model on a slippery runway. This sartorial disaster of a film has critics reaching for their metaphorical red pens faster than Anna Wintour dismisses a poorly styled lookbook.
Our beloved Alba, who once graced our covers with effortless elegance, finds herself trapped in a cinematic ensemble that even the most talented stylist couldn’t salvage. As Parker, a U.S. Special Forces commando with a penchant for revenge and an apparent aversion to nuanced storytelling, Alba struts through her hometown of Creation with all the subtlety of a neon sign in a minimalist boutique.
The plot, darlings, is as convoluted as a couture gown with too many ruffles. Parker returns home following her father’s untimely demise, only to find herself entangled in a web of small-town politics and domestic terrorism that would make even the most dramatic reality TV star blush. Add in a dash of high school romance rekindled with the local sheriff (Mark Webber, bless his heart for trying), and you have a recipe for disaster that not even the most experimental fusion chef would dare attempt.
Director Mouly Surya, making her English-language debut, seems to have misplaced her fashion-forward vision somewhere between the editing room and the set. The result is a visual cacophony that’s less avant-garde and more “avant-guard” – if you catch my drift, darlings.
Now, let’s talk about the action sequences, shall we? Oh, how I longed for the sleek choreography of a well-executed runway show. Instead, we’re treated to fight scenes that possess all the grace and fluidity of a novice attempting to walk in six-inch stilettos for the first time. Alba’s character may be a knife expert, but the combat scenes cut about as smoothly as a dull pair of fabric shears.
The supporting cast, including Anthony Michael Hall as the deliciously named Senator Ezekiel Swann, tries their best to add some sparkle to this dull affair. Alas, their efforts are akin to attempting to save a doomed collection with a few statement accessories – admirable, but ultimately futile.
In the end, “Trigger Warning” is less a triumphant return for Alba and more a cautionary tale about the perils of poor artistic choices. It’s a reminder, darlings, that even the most stunning muse can’t save a poorly conceived design. As we in the fashion world know all too well, sometimes it’s best to scrap the entire collection and start anew.
So, my fabulous readers, save yourselves the agony of sitting through this cinematic equivalent of a fashion week afterparty gone horribly wrong. Instead, may I suggest revisiting some of Alba’s more stylish endeavors? After all, in the world of entertainment, as in fashion, classics never go out of style.
